June 07, 2006

Dumbest Headline Of The Week

Many teenage girls feel pressured into sex: study

No, really? They had to do a study to figure that one out?

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June 02, 2006

Cemetary Vandal Gives Authorities The Finger

Literally. He was forced to leave a tell-tale sign behind that linked him to the crime:

Police found the finger end stuck between two toppled gravestones in the cemetery in Fleming, New York state.

Officers, who say a total of 53 headstones were knocked over, later arrested a man missing a finger.

He has been charged with criminal mischief, criminal trespass and cemetery desecration, reports 13WHAM-TV."

Hey, once you get past the first fifty or so you're bound to get careless.

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May 12, 2006

Scarlett Names Her Boobs

Scarlett Golden Globes.jpg

Yes, she has a pet name for them.

Scarlett Johansson has revealed her pet name for her boobs is "My Girls".

The Match Point actress said: "I like my body and face and I love my breasts - 'My Girls'."

The actress also revealed she is not looking forward to getting old uses anti-ageing cream.

According to The Sun she added: "I never want to look like an old bag".

I've got pet names for them, too: "just" and "right".

The 21-year-old actress has a while yet before she has to worry about getting old. But sooner or later, we'll be looking at two old bags. In the meantime, however, she probably ought to be spending her time working on her acting skills.

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May 05, 2006

It's Friday "WTF?" - A Multi-Purpose Tool

Painter uses his johnson to paint a portrait of Australian PM John Howard.

Tim Patch also used his penis to paint opposition leader Kim Beazley, reports the Sydney Morning Herald.

He unveiled both portraits at the opening of the Sexpo exhibition in Perth.

Mr Patch, from Queensland, admitted his family were a little surprised by his new painting technique.

He said: "My dad is not too impressed. He shook his head and said: "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear"."

That's right, Dad. All that money you spent to send Timmy to art school really paid off.

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April 28, 2006

It's Time For Friday "WTF?"

And this one is a doozy. A family in Quebec is distraught over their deceased mother, but moreso than normal. It seems her head is missing.

"The family was preparing to bury the 68-year-old woman when they got a call from the funeral home in Boucherville.

Someone had broken in and mutilated the body, leaving it behind with no head."

I mean, what kind of sick sumbitch does something like this? This is not the only time I've heard of this, though. What possible reason could someone have for stealing a dead person's head, you ask? Check out this story from almost exactly a year ago.

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April 20, 2006

Would You Let This Guy Grab Your Hooters?

fakedoc.jpg

Apparently, at least two women did. It seems 76-year old Philip Winikoff was going door-to-door offering free breast exams, posing as a doctor.

Now this is where the story stops being amusing. According to the police report, after Winikoff finished fondling these women's boobs he proceeded to put his hands down their pants and assault them digitally. Winikoff was arrested for sexual battery.

I mean, WTF ladies? Look at this guy? What are you thinking letting a stranger into your house to essentially feel you up?

Americans are by and large a fairly trusting people. Our culture, the most diverse in the world, is based on the idea of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Our legal system is founded on the principle of innocent until proven guilty. That's what makes it so hard for the U.S. to deal with terrorism, which uses our own trusting nature against us.

But this is just.plain.stupid. I feel badly for the victims but you really have to wonder what was going through their minds - if anything.

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April 10, 2006

"Monster" Bunny Update

Last week, I posted about a story of a giant "were-rabbit" gorging itself on people's gardens in rural England.

Well, they caught the bugger. And here he is:

big bunny.jpg

Now I got you! You wascally wabbit!

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April 07, 2006

Curse Of The Real-Life "Were-Rabbit"?

A monster bunny rabbit is gorging itself on vegetables in Britain!

Jeff Smith, 63, was first to spot the black and brown creature at the Mouldshaugh Lane allotments in Felton, Northumberland, two months ago.

According to The Sun he said: "It was massive. I thought, 'What the hell is that?' It's no ordinary rabbit - we're dealing with a monster.

"Its prints are huge, bigger than a hare - about the size of a deer's. One ear's bigger than the other. It's a brute.

"The Curse of the Were-Rabbit was a film . . . this is the real thing."

Plot holder George Brown, 76, vowed: "We will nail it."

Marksman Brian Cadman, an assistant gamekeeper on patrol, added: "We've been told to shoot on sight."

Is this possible? You betcha. Just get a load of the size of one below the fold!

Click "more" more...

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March 31, 2006

Woman Calls Police On Porn-Addicted Hubby

A frustrated wife in Aachen, Germany is so fed up with her husband watching non-stop porn she called the cops to extract him from his barcalounger.

The 44-year-old woman, from Aachen, dialled the emergency police number and told the dispatcher in a weepy voice there was an emergency.

But when officers arrived at the scene they found her pacing the apartment while her husband, 46, sat in front of the TV watching a blue movie.

She told the police: "Nothing will move him, not even if I offer him the real thing, and he has the TV on so loud I'm sure the neighbours can hear it."

Has it not occured to this woman that her poor husband is merely trying "aversion therapy" to break himself of his addiction, a la "A Clockwork Orange"?

clockwork orange.JPG

Hey, it could happen.

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March 30, 2006

"BAM!...I Feel Like A Woman"

Oh man, this is something. A woman claims she accidentally shot her husband while doing a sexy dance for him to the music of Shania Twain. It seems, at first, Linda West did her little provacative show for her husband of two months with a broom to represent a gun. But the broom thing? It just wasn't good enough for the hubby.

"Mr West was found dead in an armchair by police after his wife made a hysterical 999 call. He had a single shotgun wound to his chest.

Giving evidence in her defence at Winchester Crown Court, Hants, West said they had shared a "lovely evening" at their Southampton home. They had drunk wine and she had run a bath for her husband.

When he came out of the bathroom she decided to put on a show and began dancing to the music of the country singer, which was playing on a stereo. The song contains erotically-charged lyrics.

She said Mr West then disappeared into the bedroom of their flat and reappeared with his BSA500 shotgun and asked her to dance with it.

West re-enacted her moves using the broom handle, telling the jury: "I'm holding the barrels of the gun and I'm dancing holding the gun. I was entertaining my husband."

She said that at the end of the song she put the shotgun on to the floor beside her. With tears streaming down her face she said: "It just went off…it just went bang."

A weapons expert told the court that the safety catch, used to prevent the accidental firing of the gun, was faulty and it could have gone off without anyone touching the trigger. West told the court that she was unaware of the fault.

The prosecution claims the couple had argued after drinking and West had deliberately shot her husband, a marine engineer, in anger. Neighbours had reported hearing shouting coming from their flat."

Okay, so you're a marine engineer. BAM! That don't impress me much.

Or maybe those shouts were actually more along the lines of "Yee-ha, woman! Dance for me!" Plus Mrs. West tested twice the legal drunk-driving limit. Who knows? Would I love to be on that jury. But, there's a lesson to be learned here gentlemen: no matter how horny you are, never give your drunk wife a loaded shotgun. Er...or something like that.

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March 28, 2006

This Is Just Wrong

Some weirdo - in my own lovely "Blue State" of CT, no less - got here with the following search (see "search words"):

meter.JPG

Dude, you are one sick little monkey!!!!!

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March 24, 2006

No Clothing, Please. We're British.

A new survey finds that about 30% of Brit make telephone calls in their birthday suit on a regular basis (at least 30% of those polled who weren't offended by the question):

"Men are less reserved with over 40% admitting to making naked calls compared with 27% of women.

The study for Post Office HomePhone also revealed that many of us don't pay full attention to callers."

Let's see, their naked and not paying attention to the person on the other end of the line. Hmmmm. Talk about self-absorbed.

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March 17, 2006

A Friday "WTF?" Two-fer

Just couldn't choose between these two so here's both:

1) That's Amore!: An elderly Italian couple was pulled over in Rome because the female passenger had a different kind of ride in mind.

The zig-zagging car gave them away. When Italian police pulled over the vehicle, they found a completely naked 70-year-old woman who had been trying to have sex with the driver -- 11 years her junior.

After demanding the joy-riding couple get dressed, the police tested the semi-nude male motorist for drunk driving.

"He was three times over the legal (blood-alcohol) limit," said police commander Angelo D'Anardo in the city of Cologno al Serio, northeast of Milan.

"We assume they must have been drinking at lunch and then things got out of control."

If you've got a completely naked 70-woman in your passenger seat, I'd say things got out of control before you even started the car.

2) Assault With A Not-So-Deadly Weapon: A man hacks off his own penis and throws it at the police?

Before cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them -- his penis.

Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody.

"We took him out without any serious injury, with the exception of his own," said Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan of the 16th District.

Doctors at Northwestern Memorial Hospital reattached Fik's penis Wednesday, sources said. He was listed in good condition Thursday, according to hospital spokesman Andrew Buchanan, who declined to comment further.

I don't know what amazes me more - the fact that some guy would be crazy enough to do this to himself or that every time we hear about a "dis-member-ment" in the news it seems like they always manage to reattach it.

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March 10, 2006

"Chopper...Sic Balls"

Today's Friday WTF?: Dog Nearly Bites Off Man's Penis.

A German man playing with his brother's Jack Russell was hospitalised after the dog sunk its teeth into his penis.

Daniel Dietmaier, from Dueren, said the dog nearly bit it off and after his brother's girlfriend told it to "attack" as a joke.

He is demanding substantial damages, saying the woman did not even helped him as he lay on the floor in agony after beating off the dog - because she had collapsed on the floor laughing.

OK, I'd like to know:
1) exactly what was the nature of the "playing" going on with the dog at the time?,
2) why the guy's dork was available to be bitten? and
3) what was his girlfriend doing prior to her little "joke"?

On second thought, nah. I don't want to know.

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February 27, 2006

Local San Fran Artist Offers Handouts To Homeless, Then Renegs

An artist named Joe Canada (if that is his real name) tried to organize a giveaway to homeless people in San Francisco, offering $10 a person. Canada, however, experienced second thoughts when he saw the crowd that decided to take him up on the offer.

More than 500 people -- some who had arrived before noon -- showed up for the 4 p.m. giveaway but walked away empty-handed. Joe Canada, an artist from Novato, spoke to the crowd for about an hour but drove away before he or any of his 20 volunteers could hand out any bills. The size of the crowd might have intimidated him, police said.

"There were too many people," Sgt. Anthony Manfreda said. "He just got spooked."

The crowd saw Canada pulling away in his truck on Polk Street and began walking quickly toward the truck. The volunteers headed the people off and convinced them to return to the area near the entrance to the Civic Center underground parking lot.

The crowd began cursing and yelling at Canada and his volunteers.

"This was just a great big joke on us," Steve Hunt said. "He better not show his face here again."

He better not show his face, that is, unless he has Mr. Hunt's 10 bucks.

Local liquor store owners were also excited at the prospect of racking up some $5,000 in sales for the evening only to be disappointed by the artist's sudden departure.

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February 24, 2006

"You Make A F***ing Left Turn Up Ahead!"

Imagine Ozzy Osbourne giving you directions. Now you can experience his drunken rants in the privacy of your own car. Apparently there is a company that sells downloadable impressions of Ozzy and other celebrities for use on your GPS navigation system.

According to The Sun he tells drivers: "In 400 metres you have reached your f***ing destination."

If a car loses its signal he shouts: "I've lost the f***ing satellite!"

Chris Hilton, boss of manufacturers Voice Skins, said: "Ozzy's voice comes in two versions - with swearwords or bleeps. He is the top choice by far."

Sharon is the next-best seller. She gives instructions like: "Turn around, a***hole."

Other voices available include Clint Eastwood, The Queen and Tony Blair who says: "At the end of the road, congestion charge. Bloody Ken Livingstone."

I can think of some others that would be pretty funny. How cool would it be if they used Mike Myer's voice doing Fat Bastard?

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February 21, 2006

Gunfight at the T.P. Corral

OK, normally I reserve way-out stories like this for Fridays, but this is unbelievable. A guy actually beat his roommate to death because they ran out of toilet paper.

[Paul] Crow told investigators that the men were fighting about the toilet paper over the weekend when Matthews pulled out a rifle. Crow said he then began beating Matthews with the sledgehammer and claw hammer, according to an affidavit.

Matthews was beaten so badly he had to be identified through his fingerprints, detectives said.

So who's crazier? The guy who commits homicide with a claw hammer or the one who brandishes the rifle in the first place? It's only toilet paper, guys! You could always just use a copy of the New York Times.

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February 20, 2006

Google Hit Of The Week

Interesting. Somebody doing a search for "men with donkey sized genitals" found his way to my site. Why? Because apparently I'm result number 8 for that particular search.

Never would have guessed.

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February 17, 2006

This Is The New Bond Girl?!?

eva_green2.jpg

You've got to be kidding me. French actress Eva Green (who?) has been tapped to be in the new James Bond film, "Casino Royale".

"Eva is one of France's most accomplished young actresses, now receiving international acclaim," producers Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli said Thursday in a statement. "She brings to the complex role of Vesper an exciting combination of enigmatic and seductive beauty."
Ahem. Guys, the audiences for these films don't want to pay good money to see some "accomplished young actress" that looks like the angel of death! They want hot babes that look good in tight-fitting costumes and can credibly look like they know how to shoot a gun.

Does the script for "Casino Royale" call for a Goth chick or something? I had to reduce the picture size because she's so ghastly. What the hell has this franchise come to? First a blonde Bond, now this?

The movie takes place on the Riviera, right? Well, if she's got to be French, I'd like to offer a much more palatable alternative:

melissa theuriau should be new bond girl.jpg

Hey, you want a Bond girl? Tune in tomorrow for the "80's Crush Of The Week" and I'll show you a real Bond girl.

UPDATE - 4:00pm:
In the meantime, they've also announced the new actress to play Lara Croft: Tomb Raider:

new lara croft2.jpg

Oh yeah, THAT'S more like it. Guess which ticket I'm gonna buy? Face it, Lara Croft is the new James Bond.

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Proof That Pot Kills Brain Cells

Here's a pretty good "Friday WTF?". A guy in Germany who bought some lousy weed took his purchase to the police to complain that he'd been the victim of fraud.

Hans-Juergen Bendt, 52, from Darmstadt, lodged a complaint about his dealer with police after he sold him seven ounces of "completely un-enjoyable" hash.

Bendt complained the dealer refused to refund him the £270 he had paid for the drugs.

It was clear that the guy was really "bummed" over the whole matter because he told the officer that the dope in question was of "absolutely mediocre quality". Absolutely, dude.

Naturally, the police ignored the complaint and arrested Bendt for illegal purchase and possession. Maybe the guy thought he was in Holland. Then again, maybe what he scored turned out to be a lot more potent than he thought.

Say it with me folks: DUMB...ASS!

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