A Hunting Accident?

That's the "official" story of this weekend's incident involving the Vice-President. But we're now getting information throughout the blogosphere as to what really happened.

According to an unnamed eyewitness, Dick Cheney had his shotgun trained on a covey of quail when his hunting partner, Harry Whittington, decided to have a little fun. Faking an exaggerated sneeze, Whittington scared off the game depriving Cheney of his kill. Now if Dick Cheney's wrath had been such that he wanted Whittington dead, he would have simply strangled him with his penis.

No, the Vice-President merely intended to send Whittington a message: You don't f**k with Dick Cheney.

UPDATE: 12:00pm
Where credit is due...

Bless my soul, Al Franken lapsed back into "funny" mode today:

Now, I imagine that Cheney and the President have hunted together. What would have happened if Cheney had shot the President? I think if he shot Bush this way, Bush isn't 78 and he's in pretty good shape, and he's kinda macho. I think he would've gotten up and shot Cheney back. And I think they would've started blasting each other like in a Tarrantino movie.

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You Can't Overplan

Especially when you're going to try and rob a bank.

A bankobber was left empty-handed when he turned up ten minutes late and found the branch had already closed for the day.

Staff at the Podravska Bank in Zagreb, Croatia, told police they were just getting ready to go home when they heard the doors rattling and saw a masked man holding a gun trying to get in.

Police spokesman Davor Tor said: "Most banks here open until 7pm but this robber obviously picked the wrong branch.

"Staff said even though he was wearing a mask they could tell from his movements that he was very confused to find the bank wasn't open."

Police are looking for the robber and say if caught he will be charged with attempted armed robbery.

How much you wanna bet this guy ends up getting caught because of his own stupidity?

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Don't Play Around With That Funky Cold Medina

An aphrodisiac soda? That's what this stuff is marketed as.

It's called "Turn On" and it promises to make the person who drinks it...um, good to go.

The soda was banned in France and Denmark, but makers insist it is safe and works as an aphrodisiac.

People who have tested the soda said it tastes like cherry soda.

"We watched a film and then afterwards I felt like my senses were more like turned on, like I could feel more, I felt more on my skin," a tester said.

Doctors have already warned that the drink is not for everyone. Children, pregnant women and people with high blood pressure and diabetes should avoid the drink, according to the report.

A warning label on the can claims, "This beverage will arouse you."

I'm a little skeptical here. It's probably more of a psychological effect than anything else. Wonder what the tester would have said if what they gave them was real cherry soda? Still, if you're thinking of trying it you might want to give it to the dog first. And if he does the "Wild Thing" on your leg...well, you know the rest.

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Holy Crap! This Is A Special Friday WTF? Moment!

Look at the size of this freaking rabbit!!!!

And this is REAL, too! Raised by a German breeder named Hans Wagner (he's the guy in the photo), the bunny - named German Giant - is more than three feet tall when standing on his hind feet.

How did German Giant get so big?

“I don’t feed him an unusual diet,” said Wagner. “He goes through more than his brothers and sisters, but he eats the same food mix. His favorite food is actually lettuce. He can never get enough of it.”

Looks more like he actually ate his brothers and sisters! I mean, its head is almost as big as Herr Wagner's! Sheesh!

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You Win Some, You Lose Some

How's this for a kick in the ass? A homeless woman goes dumpster-diving and finds 25,000 Pounds Sterling's worth of cash. Fearing it might be counterfeit, she brings it to the bank. And they confiscate it!

Fadila Cirhanovic, 52, from Zenica, Bosnia-Herzegovina, said she couldn't believe her luck when she found the cash.

But she feared it could be counterfeit and so took it to a bank to have the notes verified, reported daily Bljesak.

Managers at the branch confirmed the money was real, but confiscated it and passed it on to police after Cirhanovic admitted to finding it.

She said: "I'm hoping that my honesty will be rewarded in the end and I will get my fortune and be able to change my life."

Well, lady. You can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one gets filled first. She's not going to see a dime of that money. Looks like it's back to the dumpster for her.

Didn't the thought of presenting only ONE of the notes to the bank to check its authenticity enter her mind?

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It's Bush's Fault!

The Rose Bush, that is. Plants are killing us according to this report brought to you by Rick, The Real Ugly American.

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Shelob's New Lair

Now I usually have a pretty strong stomach for gross stories, but this one really creeps me out.

A woman in Sweden had a "thumbnail" sized spider living in her ear!

The woman concerned told Swedish tabloid Expressen that she began to experience "a slight loss of hearing" and assumed that she had a build-up of wax.

When she then heard "a scratching sound" in her ear she decided to buy a cleanser to wash out her ear cavity.

When she did so, the spider was flushed out alive and crawled away.

The woman remembered seeing a spider on her bed in November, 27 days earlier.

Umm. If I see a spider in my bed my first instinct is capture it in a cup, toss it in the toilet and flush. Maybe that makes me a "mean old meany" but here's a perfect example of what taking a sensitive approach towards uninvited arachnids can get you.

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Oh, Lovely

It seems that according to the search engine Mamma.com, I'm number 17 on a search for "jamie bamber captain adama naked". I know a certain Georgia Girl I can thank for that one.

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A Friday "WTF?" Two-fer

Heard of fingerpainting? How about boobypainting?

An Australian woman is selling pictures that she paints with her breasts at
£ 40 each.

The mother of two, from Tasmania, who is happy to describe herself as a big woman, works at the kitchen table rather than at an easel, reports the Mercury newspaper.

She said: "I either apply the paint to my breasts and lean on to the canvas or apply the paint to the canvas and then lean into it to spread the paint.

"I sign every picture with my nipple."

Now there's creativity for you. Sorry, no pictures available (of the paintings or the artist).

This other story gets honorable mention because I've posted a similar incident back in November. A Turkish shop assistant was found lying naked with a mannequin in a store window.

The 30-year-old man was discovered by colleagues opening up the department store in Antalya for the day.

They called police after noticing bite marks on the mannequin. Two other mannequins that showed signs of abuse were also taken in as evidence.

The shop assistant allegedly hid in the toilets while the store was being locked up for the night.

The man has been charged with damaging property.

Is this becoming a trend now? Is there a name for this sort of thing? I wonder what the other "signs of abuse" were. That's one sick puppy.

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How Safe Is Your URL?

This is an interesting story. Apparently, some guy started a blog through Blogspot and chose "jewsforjesus.blogspot.com" for the URL.

So the organization "Jews For Jesus" is suing Google for rights to the site and unspecified monetary damages.

The way this case plays out will be interesting, and possibly precedent setting. If the plaintiff wins the case how safe are other domains on Blogger? Or any other web host for that matter?

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Bad Santas

Forty Kiwi drunks dressed as Old St. Nick rampaged through Wellington, New Zealand robbing and pillaging all the way.

The rampage, dubbed "Santarchy" by local newspapers, began early Saturday afternoon when the men, wearing ill-fitting Santa costumes, threw beer bottles and urinated on cars from an Auckland overpass, said Auckland Central Police spokeswoman Noreen Hegarty.

She said the men then rushed through a central city park, overturning garbage containers, throwing bottles at passing cars and spraying graffiti on buildings.

One man climbed the mooring line of a cruise ship before being ordered down by the captain. Other Santas, objecting when the man was arrested, attacked security staff, Hegarty said.

The remaining Santas entered a downtown convenience store and carried off beer and soft drinks.

"They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves," store owner Changa Manakynda said.

Apparently, "Santarchy" is a worldwide movement aimed at protesting the commercialization of Christmas. It originated in 1994 in - big shocker here - San Francisco. The a-holes in question were arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. Merry Christmas.

h/t: Ace

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Hell Hath No Fury...

...Like a woman scorned.

German woman tries to make her female room-mate go bald for dating her ex.

Brigitte Tullman, 20, was given a six-month suspended sentence by a court in Mainz after slipping an Immac-like product into housemate Lisa Burgermeister's shampoo.

According to witnesses at the trial Burgermeister, 20, had recently started going out with Tullman's ex-boyfriend.

Tullman was charged with grievous bodily harm as the two different hair chemicals blended into a dangerous mix which burned Burgermeister's hands before she could use it.

Burgermeister's doctor told the court: "Lisa's hands were quite badly burned by the corrosive chemical mixture. I don't even want to consider what would have happened if she had washed her hair with it."

Yikes!

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Self-Abusing Intruder Caught On Tape

This has got to make every female's skin crawl. A woman, concerned that her apartment was being broken into, set up a camera in her house to catch the guy red-handed. Well, his hands were involved alright (edited video accompanies the story):

On November 15, while she was at work, the camera captured images of a man entering her apartment appearing to use a key. He leaves, then returns and walks right into a trap.

"Right by the door was the sofa, so I laid some lingerie and other things on it and so it worked," she said.

He handled the lingerie, put on a camisole and underwear, and engages in self-gratification. Before he left, he arranged the underwear as he found it.

And it made the evening news!!

Imagine this guy, unaware of the news story, going to work the next day and wondering why everyone is staring at him? The woman in question has not returned to the apartment since. "I don't trust people as much and I don't feel comfortable being alone," she said.

Apparently, he does.

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The "Bad Girl" Blog

Or "Adventures In Google Chumming".

It seems like forever ago that - just for shits 'n giggles - I posted this pic, which came from some Hollywood premiere:

Guess what I named the .jpg file? "Bad Girl". Makes sense, huh?

Well, since then it's THE number one Google Image search hit for "bad girl". Of course, wouldn't you know it brings them to by old site on BlogSnot.

And the most interesting part is that the vast majority of the searches come from Europe and the Middle East. Those dirty dogs!

And thanks to Steve the Llama Butcher for enlightening me to the term "google chumming". Of course, he is the google chum king.

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"Qigong" Jin's Powerful Light Saber

I'm halfway between impressed and appalled at this one. Here's a guy who is Master of Qigong, an "ancient Chinese art of moving and breathing to increase energy". Specifically, Master Tu Jin-Sheng is best known for his Iron Crotch branch of Qigong.

The guy pulled a pick-up truck with his johnson.

A documentary film director and producer from London were on hand to shoot the jaw-dropping feat for a three-part series called Penis Envy, scheduled to air next year on Channel 4 in the United Kingdom. Footage from the truck pull will be used for the series piece on building the perfect penis.

Hes very special. Powerful. Superman, said an awe-struck Shawnee Wang, who studies Qigong with Jin-Sheng at his gym in Cupertino. I just came here to watch my master perform.

Jin-Sheng, the grandmaster of Iron Crotch, a branch of Qigong also known as 99 Qigong, is said to have 60,000 followers worldwide. Its practitioners are known to lift hundreds of pounds with their genitals to increase energy and sexual performance. One of Jin-Shengs most famous students, a 70-year-old man in Taiwan, is said to have lifted more than 660 pounds with his penis. The grandmaster teaches Iron Crotch and Qigong in Fremont and Cupertino.

Jin-Shengs performance drew a hearty applause (and only a few gasps) from the sparse crowd. He wrapped a piece of fabric around his waist to conceal his genitals from the crowd, but in the heat of the second truck pull, when he tied the cloth around his testicles only, it was pushed aside to reveal a ball of flesh that looked ready to burst.

Jin-Sheng wiped the sweat from his brow after the show and said through an interpreter that he felt comfortable and warm.

When asked if he was in any pain, he laughed.

And how does this fellow get himself "warmed up" for such an exercise? He has one of his students give him a swift kick to the nuts.

I'm speechless. My five-year old accidently whacks me in the old bait and tackle and I cry like a baby.

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Fatal Consequences...

...of not being the Master Of Your Domain.

Frankly, up until the teeth falling out part I find these maladies to be more akin to what happens if you don't do it. I also find it amusing that the original text is in French.

I mean how can any French guy look at this woman on the TV everyday and control himself?

h/t: Ace

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How Would This Be Possible?

Teenager tries to have sex with a mannequin. Unless department store dummies are designed to be more anatomically accessible these days, I'm wondering how this kid intended to actually "go all the way" here.

Security guard found Michael Plentyhorse, 18, sprawled with the dummy on the floor with his trousers and pants down.

Police spokesman Loren McManus said: "There was inappropriate activity between him and the mannequin."

"That's the only way I know how to put it."

I think maybe Mr. Plentyhorse (love that name, BTW) has seen this movie one too many times.

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It's Time For Friday "WTF?"

It's bad enough when your kid steals your possessions and sells them, but talk about adding insult to injury:

A Canadian teenager is in trouble after selling her mum's camcorder - with a home made blue movie still inside.

The mother did not even know the camera was missing until her boyfriend complained the video was going around town.

The film showed the mother and her boyfriend engaged in an intimate act, reports Canadian Press.

The boyfriend is complaining about it but how much do you want to bet that it was his idea to tape themselves doing the nasty in the first place?

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My God, What If His Team Had Lost?

Here's a story of a Welsh Rudby fan who commemorated a victory by his team against England by lopping off his grapes!

Geoffrey Huish, 31, took an agonising ten minutes to perform the op using a pair of blunt wire cutters, says the Sun.

Then he put his severed parts in a blue plastic bag and staggered to a social club to tell fellow Wales fans what he'd done.

There's more but I don't recommend reading it unless you have a strong stomach. Yikes!

Thanks (I think) for the tip to Jonah G. at The Corner

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It's Time For Friday WTF?

A German firm called Nutzwerk Ltd has a policy that makes whining a fireable offense:

Manager Thomas Kuwatsch said those who get up on the wrong side of the bed should stay at home and work out their grumpiness rather than come into work.

But he warned those taking too much time off for bad moods would face the sack.

"We made the ban on moaning and grumpiness at work official after one female employee refused to subscribe to the company's philosophy of always smiling," he said.

"She used to moan so much that other employees complained about her complaining. Once it was part of the contract however, our employees really started to think positively.

If they instituted that policy over at the DNC, there'd be no one left to fetch Howard Dean his ritalin.

Graphic from: Theodore's World

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