Sam?

Yes Mr. Frodo?

Why do you keep looking at me like that?

Like what, Mr. Frodo?

Well, like you want to lean in and kiss me full on the mouth?

I don't understand what ya mean. What's on yer mind, Mr. Frodo?

Well Sam, we've been spending a lot of time together lately and...well, I'm a little concerned.

About what?

Sam, we've known each other for a long time and there's something I've been meaning to ask you. But it's a little awkward.

Go ahead, Mr. Frodo. I ain't got nothin' to hide.

Sam. Are you gay?

Gay? What are you talking about? Of course, I'm not gay. No way, no how! I'm mean...not that there's anything wrong with that...

I'm sorry Sam. It just seems that, well...no one in Hobbiton would consider you a "ladies man" or anything. I mean, you've never had a girlfriend that I'm aware of.

Now see here, I'm not gay! You understand me?

I'm sorry Sam. I'm not the only one who thinks so. I mean, before we left I was talking to Hamfast and...

What? My old Gaffer? He thinks I'm a dagger-swallower? Oh crimeny, I've GOT to get back now and set all of this straight. Er...no pun intended, Mr. Frodo.

Sam?

Yes Mr. Frodo?

Are you sure you're not gay? C'mon, you can tell me.

No, Mr. Frodo, I'm NOT gay?

Yes you are.

Stop it, now. I'm not!

You know how I know you're gay?

How?

Because you like gardening...and cooking PO-TAY-TOES. Heh.

Oh yeah, well you know how I know YOU'RE gay?

How?

Because no matter how desolate a corner of Middle-Earth we find ourselves in, you always spend at least an hour and a half doing your hair?

Well you know how I know that YOU'RE gay...?

Oh c'mon, Mr. Frodo, stop makin' fun. We've got other things to worry about right now.

I know. The Ring. Sauron's Ring, Galadriel's ring, the Nazguls' rings...To tell you the truth I'm getting Bored of the Rings.

What did you just say?

Huh?

Oh, never mind. Seriously, Mr. Frodo I'm not gay. It's just that...well...

What is it, Sam?

Well, I've never...I've never been with a lass, that's all.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I've never DONE it, that's all.

Sam, are you a virgin?

Well, sorta.

But you're 40-years old, how is that possible?

I've just never really had the opportunity. And 40 is not all that old. Look at you. You're 50, and you don't look a day over 22.

That's because of the effects of the Ring...and I use a lot of moisterizing lotion.

Oh yeah? I do too...only not for the same purpose, if you take my meanin'.

That does it, Sam. When we get back, we're going to hook you up with some Hobbit tail. I'm going to see to it that you go "there and back again"!

Really? Gee, I appreciate that.

How about dear, sweet Lobelia? She's a lonely widow.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins?!? Beggin' your pardon, Mr. Frodo. But are you mad? There ain't enough ale in the whole Shire to get my garden weasel up for that old hag. I'd just as soon have sex with an orc!

Well, if we don't watch ourselves in Mordor, that just might happen. And, no offense Sam. But they'll come after ME first. Crap. The idea of being someone's goblin-bitch really terrifies me.

The gal I could really go for is Rosie Cotton.

Rosie? I don't know, Sam. I don't think that's such a good idea.

Why not? What's wrong with her?

Well, she's really a bit of a floozy, you see. In fact, to be honest I've had her myself.

You're kidding!

No, Sam. Believe me that particular "hobbit hole" has had more visitors than the Inn at Bree.

That's awful. But still, I'd have to say she's the girl for me anyway.

Okay, as soon as we destroy the Ring in the fires of Mt. Doom, that will be our next Quest. As long as the volcano doesn't erupt and spew a river of lava that blocks our escape, we should be alright. I think the odds of that happening are pretty slim.

Thanks, Mr. Frodo. I feel better already!

Alright. Let's get going. Smeagol?

Yes, precious?!? My love?!?

Right! Now HE'S gay!