January 15, 2007
I'm off from work, it's raining outside and the wife and kids are nagging for something to do. My name is Gary the Ex-Donkey. And this will be the longest day of my life.
But it's also Talk Like Jack Bauer Day.
You probably think I can't go a whole post talking like Jack Bauer. Well, you're wrong.
This morning I awoke to find orange juice on floor in front of the fridge. I immediately headed to the living room and tied my six-year old to one of the easy chairs with duct tape. I looked him in the eye and told him, "You're going to tell me what I want to know about that orange juice. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
"Tell me who you work for!" I yelled.
No response. It was then that I noticed that the Wiggles were on the television just over my shoulder. He hadn't heard a word I said.
My wife asked me what the hell I was doing. "Dammit, I don't have time for this", I screamed. "We need paper towels - NOW. Tell me where they are!"
She told me they were somewhere under the sink. I instructed her to upload the information to my PDA immediately. She just rolled her eyes and began peeling the duct tape off my son.
"Gary," she said. "Listen to me, we have to get these kids out of the house today or they'll drive us crazy."
"You think I don't know that?!?" I shot back. "Look, I think we should head over to the Maritime Center in Norwalk this afternoon. I know that the kids like sea creatures, so that should pacify them. I'm not sure if they're open today because of the holiday so I'm going to need you to hack into their mainframe and find out what their hours are. We don't have a lot of time. Do it NOW!"
I tended to the orange juice spill while she went logged onto her work station.
"Well?", I called to her. "Are they open?"
I raced into the computer room. "Dammit, tell me if they're open!"
"Yes, they're open. Normal hours." she said.
"You better pray that this information is correct. There are thousands of lives at stake. Not the least of which are yours and mine."
"Whatever, Gary." she said, "I'll start getting the kids ready".
"Do it fast!" I yelled, "We're running out of time!"
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